Christmas
2003
Erin's
Essays
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Gracie
& Oliver
Green Cleaning Tips
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Memorial
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Know a good joke, funny poem, or something to make us laugh? E-mail it to us!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything larger than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY!
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese; so one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? One mouse, 2 mice, one louse, 2 lice; so one house, 2 hice?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If You have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. -- Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! THAT'S RIGHT, JUST ONE!!! And do you know WHY? DO YOU??? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, BY SOME MIRACLE, actually find them...2 DAYS LATER, the STUPID chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME STUPID SPOT!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE STUPID WRAPPER THAT THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? YOU ASK WHY?
BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER, EVVER, EVVVERRR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF CRAP THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS LOUSY PIG PEN OF A...HOUSE!!!OOOOOOOH...
Forget it, just forget it.
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"
2. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. What do you call male ballerinas?
12. Why ARE Trix only for kids?
13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
17. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?18. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow...+8
But return with beer...-5
and no liners...-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron...+10
It's her cat...-40AT THE PARTY:
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking
buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-10
With breast implants...-18HER BIRTHDAY:
You remember her birthday...0
You buy a card and flowers...0
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team ...-10A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go with a pal...0
The pal is happily married...+1
The pal is single...-7
He drives a Ferrari...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called Death Cop III...-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable pot belly...-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say, “It doesn't matter, you have one too.”...-800THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, “Where?”...-35
You reply, “No, I think it's your ass”...-100
Any other response...-20COMMUNICATION: When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...+ 50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?”...-100
You have fallen asleep...-200IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:
You talk...-100
You don't talk...-150
You spend time with her....-200
You don't spend time with her...-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself...-1000GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. That's what they call it - the other side.Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it had a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?